My Life: According to Me

He said, “I love you.”
“I am not ready” I say.
“That’s ok, I plan on being in your life for a while so I can wait. Only say it if you mean it though.”
“I would never lie to you about that.”
Am I ready for this? Being single has been so nice. But with him gone I feel single and all I want to do is be with him, but why am I not ready for him to become my boyfriend? Why do t I want a label of being his girlfriend? Isn’t this what I have wanted all along? Is it because I wanted love to work and I tried so hard for us to last forever that I am afraid to try again?? Why am I afraid of what others will think? Why do I have such a hard time letting people know what he means to me. Why can’t I just be his girlfriend? Am I hoping for someone else? He is like my Barney, I can’t and shouldn’t tame that. It seems like if there was a girl from his past that wanted him he would probably go for her. Why me? Was I his last resort? Most guys view me as a safe relationship… Why can’t I let go and start something with him?? Why do I care about what others think?? Why does it seem like he wants to move so fast into this relationship? Ugh… So many things in my brain… I like him, I like how he holds my face when he kisses me, I like how he I as little taller than me and he can pick me up. I like that he makes me smile and holds me tight at night. I like the way he acted when he met my family and how my friends get along with him. I like that he is up for adventure and just likes walking outside even when it is cold. So why am I so afraid to let him in? Why can’t I forget about the past and move forward and take a chance and not be so guarded? Sorry if you have read this, it probably doesn’t make sense but I had to get it all off my chest so I can move forward to figure things out.

So I figured out a few things today, I found my ex’s cockyness, shirt, unshaven face attractive…. Ugh NO!!!! I don’t like him!!! I have a guy that I am kinda with who I like a bunch!!!! He looks skinny as well… Which made me sad for him and the loon he had when I said goodbye in class was this tired face like he had given up on something… Defeated… This was the first time I have sympathized for him in almost two years.. I have lived to envy him and his travels but today I just wanted to to ask if he was ok. Next, I learned that waiting for that special guy to come home is a pain but worth it!!! I really can’t wait for him to come home!!! I hope all goes well, what if he asked me out!? Could I handle a long distance relationship forever? He would be moving base to base… And he is like Barney from HIMYM.. Party, party party, can I keep up? Next, nair does a sucky job at getting ALL the hair off your legs… I feel patches and I sprayed that shit good!!! Last, I am tired, I have been tired, so I shall sleep! Night.

My friend and I got a 45 min cardio workout in today! Feeling great! A little tired but I now I need to really get down and do some homework…. Kinda lame on a Friday night but its Midterms so I have a few papers and projects to whip out by next week! :P I have a black and white photography paper and presentation to finish, a psych paper to start and get articles for, and a take home test that I need to finish that I am halfway through. It seems like a lot but I want to finish the photography stuff and the take home test tonight (just took a quiz for my online psych class, totally got a 90!! 14/15, I will take that!)

I am also very interested with what a certain boy will be doing tonight. This is is first week down at his new base down in Vegas and I think tonight will be his first night down on the strip. And he will probably be partying hard tonight. We arent in a relationship or anything at all, we arent going to start dating until he comes home in november (if all goes well which I hope things do). But we will see, I have to just worry about little ol me and get my homework done… yay…. 

And I am terrified!!!! I keep telling myself to not worry but I am… I don’t want to be hurt again, I don’t want to feel jealous over something… I can’t live up to his lifestyle.. I am not as outgoing… Am I even ready for a relationship??? Not that i am trying hard, it has been nice to do things for me for a change but do I know myself well enough to let someone in again??? What if I go to grad school and I meet people or he goes to Vegas (where he will be stationed) and meets some sexy woman… Ugh…but I like him more and more everyday….I guess we will see what happens when he comes home in a few months… Scared….

I am a strong woman who may still be finding herself but is starting to put the things i wants first, for myself and no one else. I want to be able no not think about the past like I do, with fear, but with a smile and them move on from that thought with no hesitation or wanting to wade in that memory pool. I don’t need to think about the past, just the present an future, because that is what matters the most, I am no longer living that so why keep trying to think about how it was and think of how it is now and actually be ok with it!! That is the only way I will find peace within myself and in my heart! So today I take that step,
Into the here and now!

Ok, so I have been in Tokyo for not even a month and I absolutely love it here! Of course I miss my family and friends back home but this experience has been great! Last night I was able to work out since I had climbed mount fuji ( I feel like I am loosing all the muscle I gained before I left doing Trx..) we are so busy with traveling and camps it is hard to squeeze in a good workout. So I was kinda down on myself yesterday and just had one of those day where I just didn’t think I looked good, which is wrong! I am me and I can make myself into any person I want to be! Including being a fit person!! I was also down on myself because I was comparing my trip to others trips… Well one person… He is just too intimidating and I just want to get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach I get when I see him… It’s dumb and I just need to realize I am an awesome person and that I don’t need to compare myself to others… I am smart and pretty and I can do things and experience things he will never experience!! Like Tokyo!!!! Tokyo has been amazing!!! I am so excited to come back in 4 days!!!! Anyways I just wanted to give a shout out I all my followers and best friends on tumblr and hope everyone is doin great and living life!!!
Cheers,
Xoxo Alicia :)

OMGOSH!!! I need to still kinda pack but it doesnt even feel like I am going somewhere… I dont even know what to expect!! 

BUT I AM SOOO EXCITED!! :D 

He can’t have this anymore and he is still trying to look?? sorry: 

T-minus 12 days till Japan!!! :D 

I think I need to start packing!!! 

I also am taking my GRE tomorrow so I have to study first before I worry about packing… But its sooo tempting just to start making a pile of things I need to bring :) 

I am sick of how I have been letting myself get the best of me. I can do whatever I put my mind to and I need to show myself just what I can do! These past 3 years of college has made me realize where my priorities should be and that I need to be my own woman for a while. This week I have gone through having the flu to having a guy not want to date me because of a girl he met two days ago (compared to our two months of talking). But I thank him. You know why? Because I dont need someone in my life right now. All through high school I used to believe that the only people that were happy were the ones that had boyfriends. I, my freshman, sophomore, and junior year, became sad and felt like I have no self worth. Senior year, I dont know what woke me up out of my rut but I just didnt give a shit about what people thought of me and I was the Happiest I have ever been. I did things for me, I felt good about myself and my accomplishments! Then boys came around (typical… when you dont want them) And so I ended up going out with a boy for almost two years but I became someone that was not me. I tried balancing stuff with college but it just was not what I wanted or needed. Even though breakups are hard they help you realize what you want and deserve in relationships. Even after dating people you begin to realize that there are better guys out there and you dont need to settle for someone that it just wanting a quick hook up or think you will do for the time being. (please note that not all guys are like this!) There are the good ones out there that are head over heals for you and each breakup you have is just putting you one step closer to that person because they are trying to get to you and meet you as fast as they can!! So, What I am going to start doing is doing things for me! First priority is my homework, I want to get my GPA up so I can get my ass into some grad schools (with some grants would be nice), second is my staying healthy. So I am going to sign up for three months at a local little yoga place down town that offers a lot of other classes like TRX! UURAH!! ( its not OO, just saying) Third, my social life. I want to do somethings that I have been wanting to do like hang out with my friends more often (especially my roomies), meet new friends, go rock climbing more, winter camp, hang out with my mom and dad a little more often, go dancing, try some random new craft or hobby, decide on trips this summer like Japan. Just do everything for me and think of what will make me happy and what I can do at the moment. 

Even though it seems so easy as I write this I know that I will need all the motivation that I can get. I have been in the gutters and trying to pick myself up but in all the wrong ways. I need to just accomplish my goals that I want to complete because I say I should. I am a nice girl that is just trying to get by in this world and by-golly I gotta stick to it! 

I hope that everyone else is having luck with how they want to live their life. Just take one day at a time. No matter what you are strong and you can handle a lot. You just need the right support to help you up so you can get back on your feet and doing the things that you want to do in life. Dont let anyone hold you back. 

loves you all— :) 

If you have read all of this please tell me what you want out of life. I would love to hear what your goals are and what you are striving for! 

Why do I fall for the guys that lead me on and say all the right things, act in all the right ways and then say, “I just want to be friends”.. Do I do something wrong?? They all say, I really really like you, you are nice, sweet, caring, and genuine which is unlike any other girl that I have been with and yet they just want to be friends??? I am so confused…. I just think that I must just suck at this relationship shit and that all the guys think im way too nice and they feel they need to be single or have a whore till they are like 30 and then they will think of settling down. And the worst line they give me is this, “I just dont want to hurt you or see you get hurt..” well NEWS FLASH its gonna hurt no matter what, these tears that I am crying arent gonna be any worse 4 or 5 months down the road, these are genuine tears because I genuinely liked you… He is going to become an Officer in the summer and does not want a long distance relationship because his past girlfriend cheated on him so he just hasnt had a good experience with that… Thanks Bitch for ruining that for me… Anyways, so i just told him that I respect how he feels. He want to be friends and still come over and still do stuff and I am gonna call him back and be like NO!! People who have led me on and said, sorry I just dont want to hurt you or sorry there is a different girl that I am gonna go out with or sorry we are just too different or sorry I just want to be friends… Well thanks for showing me that no matter how hard I look they seem to have all the same lame excuses. Pretty soon Im just gonna start saying, oh sorry you know what, in like a month you are gonna say we should just be friends so lets just be friends now. I really liked this guy, I want to fight him and say, “I am not a cheater, You can always trust me because I am loyal. I dont mind that you will be gone years on end, I will wait, I will support you…. But I feel that is a lost cause… If he feels like this now he would feel the same way in 4 months when he has to leave to go back to training… I just thought he was different but I guess not… 

I dont need a guy to tie me down either. I am an independent woman and I can make my way on my own. I have to look out for myself and know that no matter what I will always be the one that can make myself happy. Having a guy in my life is just a perk along the way.. 

Just gotta get on track tomorrow with working out and eating right and I will be set! :) School is tomorrow as well. I hope all goes well tomorrow and that I have some awesome classes! I just want another great semester! 

Did 10min on the bike just to warm up my knee, then I did the elliptical for 20 min, and then circuit training- abs, weights, planks, balance, and band workouts. :) 

… Then i at what I think was a 10in meatball sub……. why must i do that?! :P  

when you know where you want to be in life and know how you should look and act like but when you actually look at your life you arent there yet. Your always not there yet. I want to finally complete some goals in life and stop half assing them.. I am sick and tired of putting in so much effort into something to just see fall from my grasp and it just keeps running farther and farther away. You try running after it but you can never catch up to retrieve that goal and you give up.. and with my knee hurting like it is it seems even harder to reach my goals for loosing weight and getting the body that I want. I see and here all these success stories and I just look at them, reblog them and say “I totally wish that their life would be mine, that their body was my body, that I could reach my goals and overcome all” Where is my motivation?? I dont want to have to go through a break up just to get back down to the weight I want just because working out made him get off my mind, I dont want to have to barely eat anything or have people tell me, “you are looking sickly”… I dont have the best confidence in the world and I wish I could boost it. When I went down from 150-130lbs I did do it a fairly healthy way but I probably should have ate a bit more than I did. For most of my life I have always been in a sport and with lifting and training I just think that even when I was at my most athletic prime I was still 150lbs. I am sort of thinking that that is just where my body is most comfortable at. There was one guy who did the p90x video and got amazing results but once he got done and stopped doing it religiously and gained back every pound. Now everyone does not go through that but I feel that it does happen. I want to get to a weight my body feel comfortable at without harsh workouts and dieting. I would love to workout all the time but I sadly dont have the time to invest in it… Just hitting a wall today I guess. For anyone who as actually read all of this, props to you and thank you for spending a little time hearing my rant.. I am gonna try again tomorrow to get back on track, I just need to keep trying, no matter how far away my fitness and life goals get I will still try and catch up to them, I hope one day I can run next to my goals… that would be ultimate!